‘Videogame’ Is One Word

“Hail to the king, ba-!” Oh just fuck off, you decrepit old twat.

Is anyone really interested in playing Duke Nukem Forever? No. Will the Puke’s trademark objectification of woman and grating xenophobic banter remain intact in the latest iteration? Definitely not, though I’m sure the boobies will be bigger and rounder than any of the expansion packs (fnar) were allowed to make them.

Duke Nukem was originally successful because we could laugh at how stupid it knew it was, visually as we as aurally. I’m struggling to see how DNF will be able to recreate this sentiment in a world now obsessed with political correctness and high-resolution 3D. But I can personally meter out some satisfaction from the announcement…

Back when Prey’s Nth redevelopment was announced a couple of years ago I predicted that, were it to be a commercial success, 3D Realms would very seriously commit to releasing Duke Nukem Forever. I also predicted that they would achieve this by reusing Prey’s engine and pouring Nukem-themed content into it. Moreover, what with the success of meathead-centric shooter Gears of War selling in embarrassingly* high numbers, DNF’s commercial realisation was pretty much assured.

But I fail to see how 3D Realms will make the content of DNF anything more than a balls-less, cowardly, tongue-in-cheek tickle of modern day sensibilities. Perhaps complimented with ridiculous and insipid amounts of “gore” and swearing. I’m sure there’ll be plenty of tits though — expect at least one hour of the game consummate to involve running around the inside of one or more pole dancing backwaters. And don’t expect the game to last any longer than about 7 hours for a modestly experienced shooter fan anyway.

* I still remain to be convinced that Gears of War isn’t one of the laziest, mediocre and by-the-numbers games ever designed, tarted up with trowelfuls of expensive make-up and dressed in the most meagre of string bikinis. I can see Marcus Fenix’s packet about to slip out and hit Cliffy B in the face. ⇑

The short answer is: no-one.

It’s the danger of over-reliance on one or two key sources of major commercial funding – from a particular manufacturer, product line, whatever – that’s most dangerous. It’s never ever going to 100% transparent that what you’re reading isn’t being influenced by marketing money. But if you can see a publication is being balanced, if their writing is consistent and fair, then you can usually spot the bullshit.

Yes, you have to take the plunge and invest time to build up this trust, but that’s why there are so many publications out there. GameSpot mined a very deep vein of trust over the many years it’s been around, tapping literally dozens of well-respected freelance videogame journalists to write for them explicitly to build up this trust. Which is why this has caused such an outcry — the new management thought it worth setting this huge stockpile of goodwill and respect ablaze just for a few thousand grubby dollars. Everything about it stank and loyal readers immediately put the pieces together and cried foul.

… and perfectly suited to an audience of blunt-witted console players. What we essentially have here is a game designed by people with a penchant for creating standard games for your average Joe. Throw into the mix a number of features created to appease the vocal community of forumites that populate the company’s website and the result is a designed-by-committee FPS with nothing resembling the intelligence of the first game.

Welcome to Bland, Montreal.

5/10

Allow me to set the scene for you. It’s 1993, mid-summer, south London. A young boy sits in his room, legs cramped up against the chest of drawers that he uses in place of a desk. On top of the drawers is a computer monitor and beside it a beige box housing an Intel 80386 processor. The kid should be outside climbing the trees in his garden but his dad recently had them trimmed and the bastard who did it decided to cut down all the good branches. There’s a treehouse at the top of the garden but the wood is rotten and the rope ladder fell down years ago. No, the kid is right to be inside. Read the rest of this entry »

… and that atmosphere of pressure, the precarious lifestyle of an illegal immigrant, is reflected in the gameplay. What Rockstar have done is turn the core spindle of the GTA franchise – characters giving missions, and forcing the player to complete those missions – into a metaphor for the life of a down-on-his-luck, illegal alien. Ofcourse Niko will kill the lawyer, he has no choice otherwise because a) the bent cop has told him to and b) the gameplay won’t proceed until he does. The Mechanics and The Metaphor, The Story and The Science, The Character and The Code.

In summary: Bitchin’ shootouts, great car handling, absorbing story and all the best elements of every other game released in the past year.

9/10