‘Videogame’ Is One Word

Anyone else horribly disappointed at how focus-group led this piece of shit would appear to be, from the demo at least? It distinctly reminds me of playing Need for Speed: Most Wanted, but with utterly predictable “multiplayer” thrown in for the hell of it.

Call me a bitter, jaded cynic, but I don’t give a shit who’s just pulled the longest handbrake turn in whatever random part of the available play area someone happens to be bumming around in at the time. What’s the point? For a (principally) point-to-point racing game, Burnout: Paradise seems to be more about cock-waving than actually seeing who’s the fastest from A to B. It also seems to be about griefing and generally being a complete dick.

I really can’t see how the full game can be any better than this, except you get more pretty scenery to whiz past / fly over, along with more flash motors to do such in. The crash physics? Great and spectacular as always. But where’s the soul, man?

Burnout seemed to be about smashing as much of the bubbly black crap out of your opponent’s vehicle as possible before you hit the finish line. Paradise’s modus operandi would appear to be focussed on simulating late Wednesday night at the local McDonald’s car park in Weston-super-Mare.

“Hail to the king, ba-!” Oh just fuck off, you decrepit old twat.

Is anyone really interested in playing Duke Nukem Forever? No. Will the Puke’s trademark objectification of woman and grating xenophobic banter remain intact in the latest iteration? Definitely not, though I’m sure the boobies will be bigger and rounder than any of the expansion packs (fnar) were allowed to make them.

Duke Nukem was originally successful because we could laugh at how stupid it knew it was, visually as we as aurally. I’m struggling to see how DNF will be able to recreate this sentiment in a world now obsessed with political correctness and high-resolution 3D. But I can personally meter out some satisfaction from the announcement…

Back when Prey’s Nth redevelopment was announced a couple of years ago I predicted that, were it to be a commercial success, 3D Realms would very seriously commit to releasing Duke Nukem Forever. I also predicted that they would achieve this by reusing Prey’s engine and pouring Nukem-themed content into it. Moreover, what with the success of meathead-centric shooter Gears of War selling in embarrassingly* high numbers, DNF’s commercial realisation was pretty much assured.

But I fail to see how 3D Realms will make the content of DNF anything more than a balls-less, cowardly, tongue-in-cheek tickle of modern day sensibilities. Perhaps complimented with ridiculous and insipid amounts of “gore” and swearing. I’m sure there’ll be plenty of tits though — expect at least one hour of the game consummate to involve running around the inside of one or more pole dancing backwaters. And don’t expect the game to last any longer than about 7 hours for a modestly experienced shooter fan anyway.

* I still remain to be convinced that Gears of War isn’t one of the laziest, mediocre and by-the-numbers games ever designed, tarted up with trowelfuls of expensive make-up and dressed in the most meagre of string bikinis. I can see Marcus Fenix’s packet about to slip out and hit Cliffy B in the face. ⇑